Shifting the Condolence Paradigm

Have you ever felt the awkwardness of not knowing what to say to someone who is grieving the loss of an animal … or experienced a loss yourself and had people say things that were unintentionally clueless or hurtful?

I have and I’m sure I’m not alone.

While grieving the death of my beloved standard poodle, Charlie, I took a walk in my neighborhood. A neighbor, who knew Charlie was the love of my life, ran out of her house saying, “I heard about Charlie! So are you going to get another one?”

Shortly after my dad died, a friend said to me, “I heard about your dad.  Bummer!”

Because we live in a grief illiterate culture, we’re not equipped with knowing what a helpful condolence is and often we end up unintentionally saying something hurtful.

Commonly, we resort to the classic platitudes:

“I know how you feel. When my dog died….”

“They’re no longer in pain.”

“They had a good life.”

“It was their time.”

“You did everything you could for them.”

“They’re in a better place now.”

“They’ve crossed over the rainbow bridge.”

“There in God’s hands.”

“This too shall pass”

And the worst … “It was just an animal. You can get another one.”

These well-meaning platitudes do nothing to soothe a shattered heart.

So, let's shift the condolence paradigm by:

Shifting our focus

It's about them, not you. Please don’t offer your grief experiences from when one of your animals died, thinking that you understand their pain or situation. You don’t. Yes, you can empathize. But when someone’s grief is raw, it’s not the time to talk about yourself. Share your story another time.

Shifting our recognition

Acknowledge their loss, their pain and fragility. You can simply say, “I’m so sorry for your loss. I know your heart is breaking.” Or “Please know that I’m holding you and (animal’s name) in my heart with love and healing prayers.” Share how the person’s animal touched your life, what you loved about them or will miss.

Shifting our behavior

Check up on them. Call, text, email saying, “Checking in on you. What do you need? Need me to come over? Bring Chocolate? Errands done?”

Refrain from asking, “How are you doing?” This can make them feel obligated to say they’re ok even if they’re not. But a text, email, or call to check to see if they need anything lets them feel less alone and gives them an opt in or out if they want company or need essentials.

Or just say,“I’m holding in my heart that your heart is mending.” Or “I know your pain is great and I believe in your strength and courage to see you through this. Please know I am here for you, thinking of you. Even in the darkest times, know my heart is with you.”

You can be proactive and physically check on them (maybe leave a card, flowers, or magazine at their door or covertly show up with their favorite comfort food). Don’t assume the person will reach out for help even if they promise they will. Also, if deemed appropriate, ask if they need (or give them) a grief support or suicide hotline number.

Send a donation to a charity in the animal’s name. Or send a card, or flowers, anything to memorialize the shared love. Sympathy cards are typically sent when humans die but not when animals die.

Offer to help memorialize the animal to support the griever in doing whatever it is that they need to begin or continue their grief recovery.

Shifting your timeline

Sending cards or flowers can be done soon after a death, or 1-3 months later, or on an annual anniversary in recognition of the loss.

Keep in mind that grief recovery takes months and years. In the weeks and months following, send an occasional short text, email, or card to let them know you’re thinking of them — e.g., “Thinking of you and (animal’s name), sending love."

Simply listen

All in all, grievers are helped by knowing someone is thinking of them, which means their pain of loss is seen and acknowledged. And when they talk about their animal, do what they need most — just listen. They are sharing a love story.